Posted on 3/27/2007 9:49 PM
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1. Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
2. A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently
as he could when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".
He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.
A minute went by and he heared nothing, so he started to move
again. "Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.
His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage
in the corner containing a parrot.
"Was that you talking bird?"
The parrot said "yes"
"What's your name little bird?"
"Clarence", the parrot said.
"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.
The parrot said, "the same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!
3. Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"
One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years
4. A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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| Posted on 3/29/2007 6:54 AM
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Response to: Anthony Renteria
5.
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
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| Posted on 4/13/2007 3:34 PM
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| Posted on 4/23/2007 3:15 AM
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Response to: Anthony Renteria
Joe was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is
to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Joe, how about Tom Cruise?"
Joe replied "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Joe and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Joe! What's happenin?!?Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Joe`s boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Joe that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Joe says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Joe says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Joe on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Joe, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Joe, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Joe. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Joe and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Joe says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Joe emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Joe returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Joe asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the hell is that on the balcony with Joe?"
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| Posted on 5/11/2007 10:06 AM
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Response to: Marcel Kooiman
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. "Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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